As I said in a previous blog entry on Hierarchies, the ritual of coming of age for girls coming of age tends to be something that happens to them.
For young males, coming of age is often when they do something that impresses themselves and their peers sufficiently that they "can stand on their own two feet," that they are "men" now. The actual rite of coming of age may well be a sequence of events, rather than a single act, for most boys -- and likely differs from boy to boy. In our society we don't have instituted "coming of age" beyond turning 18 or 21, the getting of a driving license, or depending on your religion, confirmation or Bar Mitzvah. In the past, coming of age may have been equated with military service. Nevertheless, it seems some boys feel the urge to demonstrate their manhood and prove themselves as men, especially those boys who've come from abusive homes or have abusive fathers.
Sometimes that "proof" comes in the form of losing virginity, and this is especially seen in language such as "boys will be boys," they are "sowing their wild oats," and even the myth that all men just want as many partners as possible. While I think there is some truth to boys wanting as many partners as possible (possibly unconsciously due to a historical evolutionary need for them impregnate as many women early on, due to a tendency for men to die young, e.g. defending the tribe), adult men tend to realize that their children have a better chance at surviving and prospering if they stick around, helping the mothers of their children to survive and raise their kids.
Evolution aside, boys still grow up with -- even in many societies where it is now much less likely they will die young defending the tribe -- the lingering idea that boys should want to have as much sex as possible: no doubt many boys feel the pressure to live up to the expectations of society, even beyond their own teenage hormones, and 'sow their oats'. Perhaps college is the first opportunity for some of those young men to do so, and perhaps this is why they feel it is somehow okay even to drug or otherwise coerce girls into having sex with them (rape).
I think it is vitally important we give up putting boys under implicit pressure -- to have sex as often as and with as many girls as possible while still young men -- via the obsession with sex in our society, even as sex is ostensibly forbidden, especially on religious grounds by many Christians.
No doubt boys feel pressure to engage in a relationship, as the usual way for boys to get regular sex from a girl. Boys learn young to feign love so they can get sex, as girls are conditioned from a young age to need a man to feel complete and so will often give sex once they have been told they are loved or given sufficient attention, despite solemn vows of abstinence.
This is an additional issue: society places an onus upon girls to refuse sex, even while boys are often absolutely insistent in demanding sex from girls. Upon reaching their teenage years, there are the mixed messages of girls being told to cross their legs and remain "good girls" while boys are implicitly or explicitly pressured to uncross as many girls' legs as possible. Society even insists that it is up to girls to protect boys from their own lust (e.g. via sexist dress codes, "purity balls" for girls and their fathers); girls are made to be responsible yet have often no tools to withstand the insistence of boys.
Even beyond simply "scoring" as much sex as possible, boys can feel overwhelmed at the prospect of maintaining a relationship with a woman. They have to demonstrate their worthiness as the ability to support themselves and a wife and children - another milestone in proving their manhood, the step of taking a wife. Also many boys have never seen successful relationships between men and women so don't know how it is done. TV is less than instructive and many men leave women they have impregnated because they just don't know how to be in a relationship. Meanwhile women are taught to be needful of a man because she's been conditioned to think she needs one to be a woman. These stereotypes are helping no one.
To be financially worthy, in themselves or to take a wife, boys facing the prospect of manhood also face endless possibilities when it comes to career and lifestyle -- whereas the expectation for girls is still first and foremost to have children. Society presents girls and women have with the need to justify why they may choose not to have children, or why they might rank their careers as equal to or even more important than having families of their own. By contrast, it is rather more optional for men whether they commit to having a family, much less placing an emphasis on family equal to, much less above, that of their careers. Unlike women, there is no question of men being able to "have it all" or being "super dads."
Boys faced with unlimited choice may feel overwhelmed by the number of possibilities open to them. This may especially be daunting for boys facing the "coming of age" years into manhood. While women may feel the urge to invoke "the world's smallest violin," wishing they had such problems (girls are faced with the only option of becoming a mother), many boys lack confidence for what society expects of them. Yet boys are also told never to display fear, talk about their troubles or emotions meaningfully, or ask for help undergoing the challenge of growing into men. Society just says: GO! and the only immediate, loudly-repeated ideal of "becoming a man" society promotes is often "sow your wild oats."
Tragically, any boy or young man who feels inadequate sexually, emotionally, and/or economically (especially with the increasingly harsh economic pressures on anyone not in the flaky-most layer of society's upper crust) may find that the unrepentant, sacred ease of access to guns in the US gives a new, deadlier way to come of age: gun violence and mass shootings, especially by young men.
For young males, coming of age is often when they do something that impresses themselves and their peers sufficiently that they "can stand on their own two feet," that they are "men" now. The actual rite of coming of age may well be a sequence of events, rather than a single act, for most boys -- and likely differs from boy to boy. In our society we don't have instituted "coming of age" beyond turning 18 or 21, the getting of a driving license, or depending on your religion, confirmation or Bar Mitzvah. In the past, coming of age may have been equated with military service. Nevertheless, it seems some boys feel the urge to demonstrate their manhood and prove themselves as men, especially those boys who've come from abusive homes or have abusive fathers.
Sometimes that "proof" comes in the form of losing virginity, and this is especially seen in language such as "boys will be boys," they are "sowing their wild oats," and even the myth that all men just want as many partners as possible. While I think there is some truth to boys wanting as many partners as possible (possibly unconsciously due to a historical evolutionary need for them impregnate as many women early on, due to a tendency for men to die young, e.g. defending the tribe), adult men tend to realize that their children have a better chance at surviving and prospering if they stick around, helping the mothers of their children to survive and raise their kids.
Evolution aside, boys still grow up with -- even in many societies where it is now much less likely they will die young defending the tribe -- the lingering idea that boys should want to have as much sex as possible: no doubt many boys feel the pressure to live up to the expectations of society, even beyond their own teenage hormones, and 'sow their oats'. Perhaps college is the first opportunity for some of those young men to do so, and perhaps this is why they feel it is somehow okay even to drug or otherwise coerce girls into having sex with them (rape).
I think it is vitally important we give up putting boys under implicit pressure -- to have sex as often as and with as many girls as possible while still young men -- via the obsession with sex in our society, even as sex is ostensibly forbidden, especially on religious grounds by many Christians.
No doubt boys feel pressure to engage in a relationship, as the usual way for boys to get regular sex from a girl. Boys learn young to feign love so they can get sex, as girls are conditioned from a young age to need a man to feel complete and so will often give sex once they have been told they are loved or given sufficient attention, despite solemn vows of abstinence.
This is an additional issue: society places an onus upon girls to refuse sex, even while boys are often absolutely insistent in demanding sex from girls. Upon reaching their teenage years, there are the mixed messages of girls being told to cross their legs and remain "good girls" while boys are implicitly or explicitly pressured to uncross as many girls' legs as possible. Society even insists that it is up to girls to protect boys from their own lust (e.g. via sexist dress codes, "purity balls" for girls and their fathers); girls are made to be responsible yet have often no tools to withstand the insistence of boys.
Even beyond simply "scoring" as much sex as possible, boys can feel overwhelmed at the prospect of maintaining a relationship with a woman. They have to demonstrate their worthiness as the ability to support themselves and a wife and children - another milestone in proving their manhood, the step of taking a wife. Also many boys have never seen successful relationships between men and women so don't know how it is done. TV is less than instructive and many men leave women they have impregnated because they just don't know how to be in a relationship. Meanwhile women are taught to be needful of a man because she's been conditioned to think she needs one to be a woman. These stereotypes are helping no one.
To be financially worthy, in themselves or to take a wife, boys facing the prospect of manhood also face endless possibilities when it comes to career and lifestyle -- whereas the expectation for girls is still first and foremost to have children. Society presents girls and women have with the need to justify why they may choose not to have children, or why they might rank their careers as equal to or even more important than having families of their own. By contrast, it is rather more optional for men whether they commit to having a family, much less placing an emphasis on family equal to, much less above, that of their careers. Unlike women, there is no question of men being able to "have it all" or being "super dads."
Boys faced with unlimited choice may feel overwhelmed by the number of possibilities open to them. This may especially be daunting for boys facing the "coming of age" years into manhood. While women may feel the urge to invoke "the world's smallest violin," wishing they had such problems (girls are faced with the only option of becoming a mother), many boys lack confidence for what society expects of them. Yet boys are also told never to display fear, talk about their troubles or emotions meaningfully, or ask for help undergoing the challenge of growing into men. Society just says: GO! and the only immediate, loudly-repeated ideal of "becoming a man" society promotes is often "sow your wild oats."
Tragically, any boy or young man who feels inadequate sexually, emotionally, and/or economically (especially with the increasingly harsh economic pressures on anyone not in the flaky-most layer of society's upper crust) may find that the unrepentant, sacred ease of access to guns in the US gives a new, deadlier way to come of age: gun violence and mass shootings, especially by young men.
RSS Feed
